Jokes

Joke #1

If we value the pursuit of knowledge, we must be free to follow wherever that search may lead us. The free mind is not a barking dog, to be tethered on a ten-foot chain.
- Adlai E. Stevenson Jr

Joke #2

Der skal mindst to til at stifte fred, men én alene kan skabe krig.

- N. Chamberlain

Joke #3

Nogle mennesker er taktfulde - andre siger sandheden.

Joke #4

Det falske kan aldrig vokse sig sandt ved at vokse i styrke.
- R Tagore

Joke #5

Det eneste vi aldrig får nok af, er kærlighed. Og det eneste, vi aldrig giver nok af, er kærlighed.
- Hentry Miller

Joke #6

Ord bruger man til tre ting: 1. Til at udtrykke tanker. 2. Til at skjule tanker. 3. Til at dække over at der ingen tanker er.
- Antik filosof

Joke #7

Det eneste vi med sikkerhed ved, er at akt er usikkert.
- Voltaire

Joke #8

Dul vil ikke få dårlig mave af at sluge din egen stolthed.

Joke #9

"Vi indrømmer de små fejl blot for at overbevise os om, at vi ingen store har."
- La Rochefoucauld

Joke #10

"Women need to feel loved to have sex. Men need to have sex to feel loved. So the basic act of continuing the spices requires a lie from one of you. That's why you do it in the dark."

Joke #11

"Nú er veðrið soleiðis skikkað fyri tíðina at tey í apotekinum hava fingið nýggjar sovitablettir. Tað merkir, at nú vit hava eitt valdømi, so fara føroyingar á danatingi at drekka kaffi títtari. Viðv. upsa fiskaðan við snellu fer studentarskúlin og forða fyri at tolið verður uppi. Júst sum tað altíð hevur verið..."
Kaj Leo Johannsesen, Formaður Sambandsfloksins

Joke #12

Alfred her og Alfred der, Marjus langt av landi fer
Kaj Leo gneggjar býtt, Edmund heldur uppá sítt
Olav tigur, Johan onki men nógv sigur
Lisbet hevur melda pass, á dett suppidass

Joke #13

Linux is only free if your time is of no value!
Eirik Hammer

Joke #14

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.
Eirik Hammer

Joke #15

Ein polakki fór til eygnalæknan.
Læknin vísti honum eitt kort við bókstavunum "CZWIXNOSTACZ", og spurdi um hann kundi lesa bókstavirnar.
- Lesa bókstavirnar? Eg kenni handan mannin!
Søren Olsen

Joke #16

Måden å oppnå indre ro på, er å gjøre ferdig alle tingene du har begynt.
- så, jeg så meg rundt i huset for å se alt jeg hadde påbegynt og ikke gjort ferdig......så
nå har jeg tatt resten av rødvinsflasken, og av hvidvinsflaska,
Baileys'n, Kahula'en, resten av pakken med Paralgin forte,
og valium'en og en boks med sjokolade.
Du aner ikke hvor forbaska bra jeg føler mig!.

Joke #17

Now... I want you to remember, that no dumb bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making the other poor dumb bastard die for his country!

Patton

Joke #18

UP & DOWN SEX
At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?" All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat ! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down ?" There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?" The woman replied, "Down." A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady,"Up or down ? She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!" She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were fuck or drown.

Joke #19

Defence Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 92 years old.

Defence Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words what happened
the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing, on my
front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and
sat down beside me.
Defence Attorney: Did you know
him?
Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney: Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since
my Abner died some 30 years ago.
Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited.
I haven't felt that good in years!
Defence Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling really "spicy" so
I just laid down and told him "Take me, young
man. Take me!"
Defence Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fools!"
And that's when I shot him, the little bastard!

Joke #20

Yes dear...

Joke #21

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather ''are these plates clean?'' His grandfather replied, ''Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal''.

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes.... so he asked again, ''Are you sure these plates are clean?'' Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says, ''I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't ask me about it anymore!''

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass so he said, ''Grandfather, your dog won't let me out.'' Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted, ''COLDWATER, Go lay down!''

Joke #22

Finally the teachers strike back. Here is a list of the top ten funny insults that teachers can use to describe those pesky classroom inhabitants. Not malicious, just funny.

1) Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2) I would not allow this student to breed.

3) Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

4) Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

5) The student has a "full six-pack" but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

6) When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.

7) The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

8) If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

9) It's impossible to believe that the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.

10) The wheel is turning but the hamster is definitely dead.

Joke #23

It takes a great deal of courage to stand up to your enemies, but even more to stand up to your friends.
- J. K. Rowling

Joke #24

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Joke #25

Tjikkilakka tjikkilakka tjø tjø tjø
Skøtin í Bø røpar varskø, ø, ø
Tjikkilakka tjikkilakka tjey tjey tjey
Skótin í Bø sigur hey, hey, hey

- Remi Hammer

Joke #26

Some people may be devastated to discover that the average human body contains over 10e27 nuclei; by mass we are approx. 99,98% nuclear!

S. Blundell - Magnetism in Condensed Matter (p. 52)

Joke #27

"unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep"

- from the command line

Joke #28

Friendship among women:
A woman doesn't come home at night. The next day she tells her husband she slept over at a friends' house. The man calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know about it.

Friendship among men:
A man doesn't come home at night. The next day he tells his wife he slept over at a friends' house. The woman calls her husbands' 10 best friends. 8 of them say he did sleep over and 2 claim he's still there.
Moral of the story "Friendship among men is too good, but at the same time it is too dangerous too."

Joke #29

"Programører er værktøj til at konvertere koffein til kode."

Joke #30

"Å lese datahåndbøker uten maskinvaren er like frustrerende som å lese sexveiledninger uten software."

- Arthur C. Clarke

Joke #31

"Computers are like airconditioners, they don't work properly when you open windows..."

Joke #32

"Oh, they have the Internet on computers now. "

- Homer Simpson

Joke #33

"Store gutter tar ikke backup...men de gråter mye!"

Joke #34

Love is like a flower. It shortly dies.

Joke #35

I believe in dragons, good women and other fantasy creatures.

Joke #36

"It's weird...you know the end of something great is coming, but you want to hold on, just for one more second...just so it can hurt a little more."

Joke #37

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Joke #38

Do you think if Bill Gates got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?
Of course not.
You got to spend a long time in your own locker with your underwear shoved up your ass before you start to think,
"You'll see. I'm going to take of the world of computers! I'll show them."

Joke #39

Why is marijuana not legal? Why is marijuana not legal?
It's a natural plant that grows in the dirt.
Do you know what's not natural?
80 year old dudes with hard-ons. That's not natural.
But we got pills for that.
We're dedicating all our medical resources to keeping the old guys erect,
but we're putting people in jail for something that grows in the dirt?

Joke #40

In court
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

Joke #41

In court
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

Joke #42

Ask the doctor
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Joke #43

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat under a sweets sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming!" and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said,
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"... I just lost it."

Joke #44

"We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true."

Joke #45

"Programming is like sex, one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life."

- Michael Sinz

Joke #46

Sex is alot like software, it's better when it's free.
- Linus Thorvalds

Joke #47

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein

Joke #48

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and i'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

Joke #49

Women - Easy on the eyes, hard on the ears!

Joke #50

Boy! When we get home Im gonna smack you mother, because there is no way you are my son!!!!

Joke #51

Blondine
En blondine ringer til sin kæreste og siger: "Kan du komme over og hjælpe mig. Jeg har et kæmpe puslespil, og jeg kan slet ikke finde ud af, hvad jeg skal gøre."
Hendes kæreste sprger: " Hvad skal det blive til, når det er færdigt?"
Blondinen siger: "Efter billedet på pakken, så skal det blive en hane".
Kæresten beslutter sig for at gå over og hjælpe hende. Hun lukker ham ind og viser ham alle brikkerne på bordet. Han ser på brikkerne et øjeblik. Så ser han på pakken.
Så siger han: "For det frste, det spiller ingen rolle, hvad vi gør. Vi kan aldrig lægge disse brikker, så de kommer til at ligne en hane".

Han tager hendes hånd og fortsætter: "Nu tager vi en kop kaffe og så.....

.... han sukker dybt...... "Så hælder vi alle Corn Flakes tilbage i pakken igen".

Joke #52

Ein pessimistur er ein sum kennir seg illa tá hann kennir seg vå av øtta fyri at kenna seg verri tá hann fer at kenna seg betur!

Joke #53

Langt de fleste mennesker i Irak nsker at leve i en fredelig og fri verden. Vi vil finde disse mennesker, og vi vil retsforflge dem. George W. Bush, Washington 27. oktober 2003

Joke #54

Familien er der, hvor vor nation finder håbet - hvor vingerne få drømme. George W. Bush, Wisconsin 18. oktober 2000

Joke #55

Vore fjender er opfindsomme og ressourcestærke, og det samme er vi. De holder aldrig op med at finde at på nye måder at skade vort land og vort folk, og det gør vi heller ikke. George W. Bush, Pressemøde i Det Hvide Hus 5. august 2004

Joke #56

For hver eneste skud-episode med ddelig udgang var der cirka tre med ikke-dødelig udgang. Og folkens - det er uacceptabelt her i Amerika. Simpelthen uacceptabelt. Det vil vi gre noget ved. George W. Bush, Tale i Washington om kriminalitet 14. maj 2001

Joke #57

For mange gode læger forlader faget. For mange gynækologer er ikke længere i stand til at praktisere deres kærlighed med kvinder over hele landet. George W. Bush, Tale i Missouri 6. september 2004

Joke #58

Afrika er en nation, der lider under ufattelig sygdom. George W. Bush, Citat i Newsweek 25. juni 2001

Joke #59

Der er megen spekulation, og der vil - tror jeg - blive ved med at være megen spekulation helt frem til, at spekulationen slutter.
George W. Bush, Citat til avis i Austin, Texas 18. oktober 1998

Joke #60

Jeg håer, at I vil gå herfra i dag, gåudenfor og sige: Hvad sagde han?
George W. Bush, Vælgermde i Oregon 13. august 2004

Joke #61

Krigen mod terror involverer Saddam Hussein pågrund af Saddam Husseins natur, hans historie og hans villighed til at terrorisere sig selv. George W. Bush, Udtalelse i Michigan 29. januar 2003

Joke #62

Jeg lover jer, at jeg vil lytte til, hvad der er blevet sagt her i dag, også selv om jeg ikke var her. George W. Bush, Tale i Texas 13. august 2002

Joke #63

Hvis du ikke står for noget, står du ikke for noget. Hvis du ikke står for et eller andet, står du ikke for noget. Vi står for ting. George W. Bush, Iowa 5. august 2004

Joke #64

Jeg er beæret over at trykke hånd med en modig irakisk borger, som Saddam Hussein har hugget hånden af.
George W. Bush, Tale i Washington 25. maj 2004

www.hjollum.com/jari